2 -  And after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.   We hope
you  enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."

3 -  As the plane landed as was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa big fella, WHOA."

4 -  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:  "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."

5 -  Said by a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight xxx
to yyy. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't  be out in public unsupervised."

6 -  "In the event of sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the overhead compartment. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your own mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more and put it on them. And then quickly put the
other one on the other child."

7 -  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to get them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody
loves you or your money more that Southwest Airlines."

8 -  "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency  water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9 -  Once on a Southwest flight the pilot announced: "We've reached our cruising
altitude now and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.  I'm switching to auto
pilot also, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of
the flight."

10 - "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or other adults acting like children."

11 - "As you exit the plane please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

12 - "Last one off the plane must clean it."

13 - And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry, unfortunately, none of them are
on this flight."

14 - Heard on a Southwest flight just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and announced: "That was quite a
bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
fault, it was the asphalt."

15 - An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give
them a "Thanks for flying xyz Airline." He said that in light of the bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had deplaned except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,  "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no Ma'am" said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady
said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

16 - After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix the Flight Attendant came on
with: "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

17 - Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
us here at US Airways."

18 - After a particularly hard landing, a flight attendant announced: "Now that
the captain has finished carving his initials into the runway, we will taxi to
the gate.  Please remain seated with your seat belt fastened..."
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