Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur
for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to
being a career lawncare specialist.
How 'bout I send you a fucking book
so you can learn to read and
write?  I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
 
 

******************************************************* >
Dear
Santa,
I have been a good girl all year,
and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they
had you, didn't they?
Santa
 
 

*******************************************************

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now
asking for a fire truck. Please, I
really really want a fire truck this
year!
Love,
Joey

Dear Joey,
 Let me make it up to you. While you
sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than
you'll know what to do with.
Santa
 
 

******************************************************** >
Dear
Santa,
 I don't know if you can do this, but
for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back
together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your
dad's still having with the
babysitter? He's banging her like a
screen door in a hurricane,
son! Let me get you some nice Legos
 instead.
Santa
 
 

*******************************************************

Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my
friends
have more Pokemon
cards than me.
Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing
their
parents to buy
hundreds of dollars worth
of these stupid cards, and none of
you snot-nosed brats are even
learning to play the game.
Let me get you something more your
speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
 Santa
 
 

*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train,
some G.I.Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
 Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
 

*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the
tree,
and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots
make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me
a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone.
Santa
 

*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of
the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a
condo in Vegas, where I spend
most my time squeezing cocktail
waitresses asses, and losing all my cash
at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to
know!
Santa
 
 

*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping,
do you really know when we're
 awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in
 whatever you do, I'm skipping
your house...
Santa
 

**************************************************

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this
year. Please please please PLEASE,
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work
with your folks, but that crap
don't work up here. You're getting a
sweater again.
Santa
 

*******************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our
house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself
"Marky," that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you
don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're
living in. Thirdly, I get inside
your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa
[an error occurred while processing this directive]