****** Special Abbreviated TV Show Edition ******
- TV Show Update
- True Tales Of Induhviduals
Dilbert TV Show
At long last, the Dilbert animated television show debuts on UPN at
on Monday, January 25th. Imagine your embarrassment Tuesday morning if
you are the only person on Earth who misses the first episode; don't let
it happen to you.
If your local cable provider doesn't carry UPN, you might have to
organize some sort of protest. The most effective form of protest is
what I call Virtual Self-Immolation. This is similar to self-immolation
with the important distinction that you are setting someone else on fire
instead of yourself.
It might seem difficult to find volunteers to set themselves on fire
your behalf, but you can do it if you follow these two simple steps:
1. Develop a line of perfume made entirely of lighter fluid.
2. Hire a temp to stand on the sidewalk in front of your local
provider and spray people who walk past.
Most of the people who are assaulted with your new line of perfume will
simply curse at your temp and hurry away to clean themselves off. But
some of those pedestrians will be cigarette smokers, resulting in
impressive human fireballs. Instruct your temp to chant, "WE WANT UPN"
at the exact time your human fireball is screaming in pain. This will
give the impression that it's all part of the same demonstration. I
don't know if this will cause your cable provider to carry UPN, but
there's no harm in trying.
And if it's not too much trouble, please forward this newsletter to
anyone who might want to watch the Dilbert TV show.
TV Show Factoids
Because I know you are a curious bunch of people (a sure sign of higher
intelligence) I give these answers before you ask:
A. I don't know when the Dilbert show will be available
outside the United States.
B. I am very involved in the creative part of the show,
including scripts and voice casting.
C. Dilbert and Dogbert did acquire mouths, because animation would
hard to watch without mouth movement. I decided on what I call "The
Amazing Disappearing Mouth" technique. The mouths will appear when they
talk and disappear when they are silent. You won't notice anything
strange when you watch it.
D. The actors who do the main voices are:
Dilbert: Daniel Stern
Dogbert: Chris Elliot
Alice: Kathy Griffin
Boss: Larry Miller
Wally: Gordon Hunt
Dilmom: Jackie Hoffman
E. I'm very happy with it so far.
This prank report from a DNRC operative is as devious as it is
humiliating to the victim. I recommend it.
"On April Fools Day, with the help of my daughters, I called my wife
into the room and excitedly announced that I had discovered that our new
multimedia computer had an FM receiver built into it. However, I was
having trouble with the reception, because the antenna (actually the
microphone) was positioned incorrectly. If she would just help, I could
probably get this to work.
Within minutes I had her standing on top of the desk with her arms
stretched out as far as she could, and intermittently touching her
finger to her nose (to "close the loop"). My younger daughter had to
leave the room to avoid giving the gag away by laughing. Eventually I
announced that we were getting something. I then played a recorded
sound file which proclaimed, 'April Fool, Mom!'"
I just received this alarming report:
"I wanted to let you know that the Oklahoma Department of Corrections
has banned all Dilbert cartoons from employees' offices because they
consider them 'hostile' since they 'make fun of management.'"
This report raises many troubling questions:
1. When the Department of Corrections makes a mistake, who corrects
them? Is there another Department for that, and if so, what are they
2. If your job involves forcing crazed murderers into small containers
until they are really, really mad at you, can you make yourself safer by
reducing your exposure to comics?
3. If inmates read Dilbert comics, will they begin to appreciate
congenial atmosphere of prison life, thus leading to an increase in
4. Why does recidivism appear to be spelled incorrectly?
doesn't the Department Of Corrections do something about it?
True Tales Of Induhviduals
Those Induhviduals continue to inspire us with their tales of
Induhviduality. Here are the latest reports from the field.
"I was watching the local news this morning when the anchor reported
that the police had arrested two suspects for an extremely brutal murder
in our area. The reporter stood there with a straight face and said that
the District Attorney's office was going for the death penalty because
they had proof that the victim was alive just moments before his death."
This sign was spotted in a fabric warehouse in Wells (South England):
"Ceiling Fans in Operation. Please be careful when lifting small
Editor: Maybe it's just me, but that sign seems vague. For example,
guidelines are completely silent on the handling of larger children and
pets. And I am left wondering if it's okay to fling small children into
the ceiling fan with a catapult as long as you don't do any "lifting."
Allegedly overheard at the pharmacy:
"Do you think that I gave my wife the yeast infection? Because
of days ago, I drank a few beers and then had sex with her."
Editor: Yes, I know it sounds like an urban legend, but it's still
This one is part True Tale and part Wise-Ass Comment:
I was standing in a lobby gazing out the glass door. A woman came up
behind me and began to talk to me as if she knew me. I turned around,
she stopped, startled, and said, "Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone
I said, "I am."
I bought a microphone for singing, which I returned to the store after
trying it out (according to their policy). The salesperson asked me why
I was returning it, and I told her that I was returning it because it
didn't work properly. She responded, "Did you open it?"
One day my (now ex-) wife called the Help Desk at the hospital that
worked at to tell them that I had left my pager at home that day. She
was not sure where I was at the time, and figured the Help Desk would
track me down to tell me to go home to get my pager. The Help Desk paged
me with the Help Desk extension displayed.
She then called the Help Desk again, and told them that the pager was
her hand, and that paging me was pointless, since it was not on my
person. They paged me again, with my home number, to tell me that my
wife had my pager.
I am a reference librarian. I had an Induhvidual come up to me
yesterday wanting help finding Internet sites for her class project.
She found the perfect site the day before, but being an Induhvidual, did
not bookmark it or write down the URL. So, the question I got was, "I
need to find that web page with a yellow background that I found on this
I recently had trouble with my cellular service. I called the
Support Hotline and waited thirty minutes for a human response. The tech
asked the make and model of my phone. I informed the tech that I could
see no model number on the phone. He said, "Take the battery off and
look inside. The model number is printed there." I said if I take the
battery out, I'll lose the connection. He said, "That's okay. I'll
A customer called me the other day to complain that the
contract delivery people had scratched her countertop, and
that the delivery company would not accept the damage claim
because the customer's maid had signed a form stating the
damage was pre-existing. The customer told me her maid Maria
neither read nor wrote English and would not have realized
what it was she was signing. When I called the delivery
company to press home this point, they replied, "The
maid must have known what she was signing because she signed
her name in English".
At that point I was at a loss for words.
There's this Induhvidual in my office who got a new PC that has a
blank-screen screensaver that comes up after about twenty minutes
without activity. Returning from lunch the first day, he was aghast to
find his monitor "not working." So he gave it the good old-fashioned
whack on the side. Lo and behold, the vibrations carried to the mouse
and his monitor "worked"!!
Now, every day, on returning from lunch, he fixes the "loose
connection" in his monitor with a whack.
Dilbert Product Information
Gibson Greetings...the adult toys you can take to work! Gibson Greetings
has recently released a line of Dilbert office novelty products
including a Boss Voodoo Doll, a Cubicle Doorbell, and Silly Slammers of
the whole Dilbert gang!
Many new products are available in The Dilbert Store
(http://www.umstore.com/dilbert), including animated spiral bookends
For a complete list of available Dilbert products, send e-mail to:
Dilbert_Products@listserv.unitedmedia.com in this format:
Subject Line: Products
You won't be put on any additional mailing lists if you do that.
receive an e-mail listing the licensee for each
Dilbert product, with phone numbers to call if you need
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