Callers are prompted as follows:

Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on
the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one
will answer.

If you are delusional, please be aware that the thing you are holding on
the side of your head is alive and about to bite your ear off.

If you are ambivalent, please hang up and call back in a few minutes.

If you are comatose, stuporous, or obtunded, press each number from 9 to
1 backwards, and then leave your name and number when you hear the beep.

If you would like to speak to a physician, pleased be advised that your
plan requires a second opinion and a 30 day waiting period before you
can receive this service, which has been designated nonessential.
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