It has been called to the attention of the NY Tourism Authority that rules need
to be implemented in order to protect tourists from NY natives. If you follow
the following guidelines you will enjoy your stay in NY, and you will remain
alive.

1.) WALKING.
It has become painfully obvious that as a tourist, walking somehow escapes you.
Your entire family/school/group needn't walk at a snail's pace in a skirmish
line,thereby effectively blocking anyone else's passage.  This makes New Yorkers
extremely unpleasant.  "Move, you fuck!" is not a standard complimentary
greeting, but you should expect to hear it often.  NY Law now allows its natives
to eat the youngest child in your group if you are found in violation of this
law.

2) SUBWAY
We know.  You don't have these new-fangled train systems in Alabama.If it's not
a Ford F150, you are totally confused.  However, you must be aware of the
following procedures when riding the subway, otherwise you could find yourself
checked into the Rain-Man Suite of the  Hotel Smackdown.

Escalators-Yes, they are stairs and yes they move.   It's called technology.
However, it's not Disneyworld or Opryland.  You must stand on the right and walk
on the left.  Standing on the left could result in serious bodily injury.  You
don't belong there.  Your children don't belong there. Your smell-hound Geech
(unless he is a seeing-eye smellhound) does not belong there.  Walk on the left.
NY Law now allows residents to eliminate tourists by any means necessary in
order to keep the left moving.  When you reach the top/bottom of the escalator,
MOVE! Don't debate where the Empire State Building is.  Don't decide to do a
headcount.  Since the stairs move, chances are that people will be behind you.

Platforms-Generally when the doors open on a train, people are going to get off.
It's not an invitation to weasel on for that choice seat near the map.(Don't
worry, we'll get to the map.)  NY residents are allowed to push you and all your
children onto the tracks for violating this one.

Subway Cars-The pole is not the one you dance on at the nudie bar back in your
white trash trailer existence at home.  Don't hug it, lick it or hump it.  Other
people may want to use it for holding on.  You can be legally groped if you are
humping the pole.

Maps-The trains are color-coded.  It's not rocket science.  No matter how many
times you look at the map, you cannot change the direction of the train. Look
once, maybe ask someone.  But don't stay there staring at the map for 8 hours.
The Law currently allows NY natives to pee on map gawkers.

Your Two Cents-No one asked you to butt into a conversation.  So don't. Your
children's eyes can be removed legally for this offense.  Also staring and
smiling.  Don't do it, or someone is allowed to pop a cap in your ass.

3) EXTERNAL BEHAVIOR
Lunch-NY natives have the uncanny knack of going out between the hours of 12 and
2 PM on weekdays and buying themselves some food for consumption. Yes, we know
its a whole lot to ask since you must be so hungry from doing nothing all day,
but BRING YOUR OWN FUCKING LUNCH! Nothing is more disheartening than standing in
line at your favorite lunch place while 50 foul-mouthed urchins debate pepperoni
vs. regular/thin vs. thick crust.  NY law allows natives to disembowel tourists
if the lines are too long.

Dinner-"Hey this bar looks good.  Let's bring all of our children to this
authentic NY watering hole.  It's smoky and full of New Yorkers blowing off
steam from a hard day.  There are college kids everywhere attempting to get into
each others' pants."  So of course, there is no better place for your children
and you to get a bite.  Stick to Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock.We don't go
there, so don't go into our bars.  NY Law forces violating tourists to pay
everyone else's bar tab for the remainder of the night.  Hope you brought your
AMEX.

4) DRESS CODE
We had no choice but to implement a dress code in NY.  You people are just too
nasty.  Do you watch what your children are wearing? If your daughter is 14 and
weighs 200 lbs, chances are she should not be wearing a cut-off T-shirt and
pants so tight her gut has a gut. Stupid hats, visors, sunglasses and those
shirts that your entire group has made just for this trip must be left at your
hotels.  People who violate the dress code of the district, which just requests
that you dress reasonably, will be deported.
 

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