Perfect Day for a Woman

8:15 - Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 - Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 - Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 - Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 - Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 - Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 - Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 - Notice ex-boyfriend's wife; she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 - Shopping with friends.
3:00 - Nap.
4:00 - A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 - Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 - Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 - Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 - Make love.
11:00 - Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 - Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

Perfect Day for a Man

6:00 - Alarm.
6:15 - Blowjob.
6:30 - Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 - Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 - Limo arrives.
7:45 - Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 - Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 - Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 - Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 - Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 - Blowjob.
12:30 - Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 - Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 - Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 - Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 - Catch world record light tackle marlin-1,249 lbs.
5:00 - Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked masseuse.
7:00 - Watch CNN News flash George Bush resigns.
7:30 - Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 0z New York strip.
9:00 - Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 - Have sex with two Playboy Playmate nymphomaniacs.
11:00 - Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 - Go to bed.
11:50 - Let loose a 12-second, 4-octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 - Laugh yourself to sleep.