You Might Be An Irishman If...
 -you drink beer from a longneck bottle because your doctor told you to
 distance yourself from alcohol.
 -you think tea is tint for an aquairium.
 -you think St. Patrick's Day is THE major holiday of the year.
 -you think singing songs in a strange dialect is a God-given right.
 -you believe God created Ireland and the rest happened by accident.
 -you think a hangover is just the morning blues.
 -you think water is only for fish -- and bathing (occasionally)
 -you think God gave the Israelites Guinness in the wilderness.
 -you think all beautiful women are Irish.
 -you think the Celtics are a ceilidh band.
 -you think Boston is in Ireland.
 -you think Scotch-Irish is a mixed drink.
 -you think the restroom is a place to sleep.
 -you think lite beer is a punishment.
 -you think whiskey punch is a sporting event at the pub.
 -you think a deaf and dumb, tall, statuesque sex goddess that owns a
 brewery is the perfect mate.
 -you think the blind staggers is a good substitute for jogging.
 -you think a liquid diet is to consume nothing but poteen.
 -you think English is a foreign language.
 -you think England is the place your condemned to if you're bad.
 -you think Dublin is the world capital.
 -you think Tipper Gore is a bloody drumstick.
 -you think a sober Irishman is friendless -- or broke -- or dead.
 -you think the two-step dance is a result of eating Mexican food.
 -you give an empty Bushmills bottle a wake.
 -you see leprecauns after the pub closes -- always twins.
 -the guard says "How many fingers am I holding up?" and you say "All of 'em."
 -you know what St. Stephen's Day is.
 -you think a street light pole is a prosthetic device to help you stand up.
 -you think that New Year's resolutions are fine -- for that night!
 -you think God gave the Irish whisky to keep them from taking over the world.
 -you believe that:
     ... all harps have a soul
     ... all music is Irish -- originally
     ... God has a sense of humor
     ... a twelve-step meeting is where you find two pubs next door to each
     ... God invented Guinness bottles with small
     openings to keep the Irish from falling in and drowning
     ... the last song of the evening is the end of the world
     ... all jokes are funny -- after 10 pm
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